If We Took A Holiday April 30, 2009

First up, a confession. I haven’t posted since my last blog because I couldn’t think of any song lyrics to use as the title! I think I might have got  in over my head challenging myself like that. For the record, Emily was right about the song (Romeo & Juliet) except that I know it as an Edwin McCain song, and turns out it is a Dire Straits song, too.

As you probably know, we’re heading back to the States for a three and a half week holiday soon, so all this Swine Flu news is a bit daunting. I just heard on the news that the US has had their first death from it, though it was in Texas and it was a baby who had come in from Mexico less than a month ago. I am really hoping that by the time we leave in four weeks, the worst will be over. It is so easy to get sick when you are on a plane for so long, a/c running, breathing recycled germs of all those on board with you. It makes me shudder just thinking about it. I think the media are using their scare tactics again. Yes, over 100 people in Mexico have died from the disease, but you have to remember that Mexico is a third world country and doesn’t have the medical facilities or resources tha the US, Canada or Australia has. So I’m not going to worry about any of that at this point in time. We’ll see where things are in three weeks or so.

Closer to home, I had a small mid-life crisis last Friday and got a second hole pierced in both my ears. Now, I’m not saying that to do this you must be going through a crisis. I’m just saying that this type of thing is probably more common amongst younger people. And I did have it done years ago, but the earrings were too small and in the first couple of weeks of having them done, one of them actually went THROUGH the hole and out the other side! Well, this time I got bigger earrings, and apart from some tenderness for the last week, they seem to be doing fine. The last couple of nights I’ve even been able to sleep on them without them hurting and waking me up! A small victory.

Another small victory is the first few orders for personalised photo cards that I’ve started doing. I’ve got three orders so far, with a possible fourth. So I’m trying to figure out what to do with my first earnings from my own little side business. Do I put it towards making an actual business out of this? Or do I go and buy that Colorado wallet I have had my eye on for a couple of weeks?

Lastly, I’m trying to get my 10 month old son to drink more water. I just filled up his water bottle and gave it to him and instead of drinking it, he’s proceeded to spill most of it on the floor and now he is playing in it. Better go clean it (and him) up! Now, to think of lyrics for the title….

Its Just That The Timing Was Wrong April 24, 2009

As a fun little challenge for myself, I’m going to start titling all my blog posts with song lyrics. If you think you know the song, let me know in the comments. The lyrics must fit what I’m talking about, though.

So last week I had an interview for a job with the state golf association. The job is admin, 2 days a week up to 4 days a week when they’re busy. They asked in the interview if the 4 days would be a problem, given that I have a 10 month old son. I think I told them, without hesitating, that it would NOT be a problem. But I also told them that I’m going away for a month, and that I was trying to get into grad school. But I assured them that would only be a few hours a week.

Looking back at it, I probably could have left the school information out. If I interviewed someone who told me they had an infant, were going to school, and wanted this job, plus they were going away for a month, well I probably would not hire them. And that is the decision they made, too.

To be completely honest, the feeling I got when they told me they’d decided to go with someone else, was relief. When I left that interview and started thinking about having to find child care 4 days a week, possibly 5 if I’m going to school AND work, I realised that was not what I wanted. If I could do 2 days a week of work, 1 afternoon of school, then I’d only need 2 days child care, mum could watch Nick while I’m at school, and I’d still have a lot of time to spend with my son. I want a 2 day a week break, I don’t want to be away from him all week.

I think the best plan of action at this point is to wait until we get back from the States at the end of June, try to get Nicklas into child care in July/August and wait until he is settled in and used to going to child care before I try to find some part time work somewhere. I had visions of my first day at work, getting a phone call from child care saying he wasn’t settling in or whatever and getting fired by the end of day one.

Consequently, the day before I found out I didn’t get the job, I found out I had gotten into school. So it looks like I’ll be starting school July/August. I think being a mum, a wife and a student will be enough of a challenge for me for now. And I will eventually find some work. This opportunity might have seemed like the perfect job, it just wasn’t the perfect timing.

Fears of Parenthood April 19, 2009

I want to preface what I’m about to say, by first saying I love my son more than anything in the whole world, and cannot imagine my life without him. I wouldn’t trade him for the world, nor would I change our timing in having him.

Now. Friends of mine are thinking they will start trying to get pregnant towards the end of this year. While Nicklas has brought us more joy, more happiness than we ever could imagine would have come from having a child, with it has come a butt-load of FEAR. Obviously the good COMPLETELY outweighs the bad, but that fear can be emotionally taxing.

For example, yesterday I went to play tennis, and as there were only 4 of us and no one to sit off and watch Nick, my grandmother came with us. She took him for a walk in his stroller, down to the lake. They were gone for much longer than I thought they would be, so I started to panic. When one of the people I was playing with went to see if he could see them, he came back shrugging his shoulders, he hadn’t seen them. So I really went in to panic mode then. Long story short, they had gone for a walk up past the lake and up towards a nearby school, thus being out of sight.

The feeling in my chest, and in the pit of my stomach was just awful. Obviously this fear can be eliminated by not having children. If you don’t have them, you don’t know the joy you are missing out on. You don’t know the little face and the little personality you’re missing out on. And from what I can gather, that fear never really goes away. So is it better to not have kids?

Whenever my husband and I go somewhere without Nicklas, or if Mike and Nicklas go somewhere without me, there is always that niggling thought in the back of my mind, “What if I don’t see him/them again.” How sad is that? Yes, obviously I have watched way too much news and Law and Order. But these are the things that go through my mind. And they can be paralyzing thoughts.

I know in my mind that I need to block those thoughts out. You can’t live your life in fear, it just prevents you from enjoying every single moment we do have together. Hopefully there are many, many, many years of moments to enjoy.

I don’t honestly believe its better to not have kids, by the way. Its just a thought that came into my head yesterday when I was so worried.

STOP THE PRESSES! April 15, 2009

The Obamas have a DOG! Yes, that is headline news all over the world today. The Royal Corgis don’t get this much attention!

Well, I have bigger news than the Obama’s dog…Nicklas has slept through the night FOUR NIGHTS IN A ROW! And I don’t mean sleeping through like 11 pm to 4 am, either. He’s slept 7-5:30, 8-5:30, 8-4:30 (then back to sleep until 7) and 7:30-6!!!!

I don’t know how long this will last, but I sure am hoping that it is here to stay. Thursday night of the long Easter weekend, we tried to put him back to sleep without giving him the boob when he woke up in the middle of the night. It was highly UNsuccessful. Friday night we tried again, sending Mike in so that Nicklas wouldn’t expect the boob from me. This was more successful. Nicklas woke up 3 times, each time going back to sleep on Mike’s shoulder. Saturday night was the first night he slept through, and he’s done it ever since.

He also got his first tooth! His two front bottom teeth had been sitting RIGHT THERE for a couple of weeks it seemed. Well one has finally broken through the skin and he has really been a different child since that happened. He sleeps all night, and he is so happy and chatty in the morning!

Now that I have spread this news all over the internet (here, facebook, twitter) he will probably return to his usual waking-3-times-a-night self. Fingers crossed that doesn’t happen.

I had a job interview yesterday, for a part time job, two days a week. If I get it great, if not, it is not the end of the world. I should know something next week. I need to call the childcare centre Nicklas is on the wait list for and see how much longer they think it will be before a spot becomes available for him.

Our new bed was delivered today. I can’t WAIT to go to sleep tonight! I’m hoping all 3 of us get a really good night’s sleep tonight. It would be the first time in about 10 months for me!

I heard back from graduate school, and am expecting a letter in the mail. They need certified copies of some documentation.

Aaaaaand I think that’s about all our news. All much more exciting than the Obama’s getting a puppy! At least I think so.

Reflections April 7, 2009

I turned 30 last year. THIRTY. It has never bothered me, as it is just a number. But I have been thinking about different phases of my life, different things I’ve done, choices I’ve made, mistakes I’ve made. It is easy to say you have no regrets, because all your experiences have made you who you are today. But I wonder if it is a cliche impossible of actually attaining. I have regrets. I have things I would do differently if I could go back. I don’t really want to start listing them, but they are in the back of my mind.

The real problem with starting to wonder “What if I’d…” is that it makes you sound like you wish you had ended up somewhere else. I can say, “I wish I’d never gone to the States” or “I wish I’d never moved to Atlanta” or “I wish I’d said yes to this possibility or no to that possibility” but ultimately, if I had, I most likely wouldn’t be here today. I wouldn’t have my husband, I wouldn’t have my son, I wouldn’t live in this house. I would probably have a different husband, a different son, or a daughter, or 4 daughters. I might live in a huge house, or I might be barely making rent on a run-down studio apartment.

If we can’t un-do what we’ve done…if we can’t change what has already been written into our history…why is it so hard to forget about it? Why do we have these regrets? Why do we wish so much for things to be different?

I know some people don’t believe in “everything happens for a reason”. But I belive it with 110% of my heart. Bon Jovi has a song that I absolutely love. Here are some lyrics:

Welcome to wherever you are,
This is your life, you’ve made it this far
Welcome, you’ve got to believe
That right here right now, you’re exactly where you’re supposed to be

I couldn’t say it any better than that.

Having said all that. The regrets that bother me the most are little things…things that would have no affect on who I married, where I live, etc. Things like buying a car I shouldn’t have bought. Or more to the point, selling a car I shouldn’t have sold. Not investing money on a regular basis. Expenses I would have been better off without. Decisions that may or may not have affected friendships. Being reactive and impulsive, and not cooling off before flying off the handle.

I guess the bottom line is that I would like to focus on my ability to see the bigger picture when facing a situation. I want to work on thinking rationally and really listening to what my head/heart both say before just making a decision. If only we had the ability when we were younger to stop and think, “How could this affect me tomorrow, next week, next year, 10 years from now” before we acted. But maybe I give humans too much credit. No one can possibly be that forseeing….can they?

A Letter To Nicklas April 6, 2009

Dear Nicklas,

You gave your mother the fright of her life today when you tried to swallow a piece of bark. How the piece of bark found its way to the kitchen floor is still beyond me, but regardless, it was there. And you tried to eat it. When you started choking, I stuck my finger in your mouth, only to push the bark in further. I picked you up, threw you over my arm and stuck my finger so far down your throat you threw up. This was an accident, I promise, but it did get the bark out of your throat and into your mouth, where from I could actually dig it out. You were not happy, and shortly thereafter puked up some blood.

One call to your father and we were on our way to the doctor. After waiting 45 minutes, he confirmed what I suspected – you were fine. He said you had a bit of a red, probably sore, throat, but you were ok. It was most likely my finger nails or the piece of bark that scratched your throat and caused the bleeding. I am cutting my nails tonight.

Please, please stop putting EVERYTHING you can get your hands on in to your mouth! I thought you’d have outgrown that by now.

Also, feel free to start getting teeth any time now!
Love you forever & a day, and with all my heart,
Mum

“Only In America” April 5, 2009

I’ve blogged about this before. And its come up again. With the shootings that have taken place recently in the US, everyone around here keeps saying, “Only in America!” It still seriously pisses me off, but I think I can spin it to a way that makes me less angry. I can see for argument’s sake, that if something keeps happening, and you don’t do anything to prevent it, that it will keep happening. In this case, people keep using guns to go on shooting sprees, you don’t take away guns, people keep going on shooting sprees. The solution seems easy.

And now for something I never thought I would do – defending those who believe in the “right to bear arms”. There are over 200 million people in the US. I don’t know how many own guns, but I guarandamntee that its a WHOOOOOOOOOOOLE lot more than the dozen or so idiots who make the news for killing sprees. Not to say that killing sprees are justifiable or “ok” b/c really its a small minority of gun owners who go…psycho. But should the 98% of gunowners who are responsible be punished because of these idiots? How many of these cases have had red flags and warnings all around before they happened? Maybe there is another way to prevent all these tragedies before ultimately removing the right to bear arms?

This is just another example of why I was never on debate team in high school. I could probably argue this issue from both sides of the table until we’re blue in the face.

But I digress…this is not meant to be a political “gun control” rant.

I get really upset at people who think Australia is so much better than the US, simply because we have gun control laws over here. Guess what? People still have guns! Just in the last two weeks, there have been several reports of shootings by the bikey gangs down south. Yes, Australia is soooo much better than the US because we have gun regulation, but guess what? Bikey gangs are killing each other every other day. Two weeks ago in Sydney airport a man was bashed/stomped to death in front of women/children/families!

A couple of months ago, two teenage gangs crossed paths on a Brisbane bridge and one kid was stabbed to near-death.

But yes, Australia is so much better because “Only in America” would multiple shootings happen several times a year and guns still don’t get banned.

For what its worth, I don’t like guns. I don’t like the saying “Guns don’t kill people, people kill people.” Yes, they do, but they wouldn’t kill so many without a gun.I think they should just change the constitution to “the right to bare arms”…Yes you can wear shirts without sleeves, no you may not own a gun.

Rainy Days, Being A Mom April 2, 2009

I am not exaggerating at all…it has not stopped raining ALL DAY. It eased up a couple of times, but was still falling, and its still falling quite forefully now. We might need Noah to get us out of here tomorrow.

I got on a train of thought the other day, about being a Mom, and how different my thinking is now. I used to be afraid of so many things, mostly of flying and death. Now my biggest fear is that something will happen to my son. I don’t think I could go on without him. I know that people do go on after losing a child, but I can’t imagine how empty life must feel. Why I even THINK about things like this…I don’t know. Its not that it consumes my every thought, but every now and then it passes through my mind.

Being a stay at home mom is so much harder than I ever imagined. I knew it wouldn’t all be sunshine and roses, but on days like this, when it hasn’t stopped pouring all day, I think, “What am I going to do when he’s 18 months, or 2 years old and wants to run around all day?” He’s almost walking as it is, and he is just in to EVERYTHING. I’m assuming when he’s a bit older and full of energy, I can take him to the park and let him get it all out. Not when its pouring rain all day though!

I’ve applied for a job, its just 2 days a week, and I’m really hoping I get it. Its amazing how much better a mom I feel after someone has had Nick for a few hours and I’ve had a “break” to rejuvenate. Imagine what 2 whole days could do for me? On top of the job, I’ve applied for Grad School, but plan to only do one course to start with. Its been a long time since I’ve had to be superwoman, on the go all the time. And even then, there was no welfare of a child involved. Whatever happens, my son and family will be my number one priority. As it should be.