Sleep? What is this sleep of which you speak? July 24, 2008

I have a new found respect for parents. More to the point, I have a new found respect for parents who do a good job at parenting. Wow, is this a hard gig. I’ve been pooped, puked and peed on, I’ve been so tired I don’t remember feeding or changing my baby, I’ve been exhausted to the point where I couldn’t stop crying. I don’t know HOW women do this on their own, or how teenagers cope with being mothers. I guess you do what you have to do in any given situation, but I can see how some women might just totally lose it. I can DEFINITELY understand how postpartum depression kicks in.

My husband said he’d stay home with him if I wanted to go to work, and it is tempting to look for a job that pays well enough to allow us to do that. I find myself jealous that he gets to go to work every day.  I love my son, and he is wonderful, but I don’t know that you ever can really prepare for being a parent. It is ALWAYS going to be tougher than you expect.

But then they do something cute, or they look at you and you can tell they’re trying to communicate with you, and all the other stuff doesn’t matter. Also, its true that when its your kid, the poop, puke, pee, etc. isn’t as gross. Even when its running down your arm.

And now, I hear him stiring. That nap lasted about 30 minutes. It’ll be fun when he’s entertained by toys and stuff.

Three Week Report July 20, 2008

I can’t believe he’s 3 weeks old tomorrow. Still no hint of settling into a routine as far as sleeping goes. Actually, the last couple of days he hasn’t slept that much at all. My boobs are killing me. He’d feed for 2 hours at a time, every 2 hours if I let him. I’m trying to pump milk so that its easier (and quicker) to feed him, but he’s draining me dry. The night time feeds are the worst. Last night the 12 o’clock feed was ok, he was fed and back to sleep, in his cot, within the hour. But the 2:30 am feed lasted until after 4, when he finally fell asleep, feeding in our bed.

Lately, when he’s wide awake, its like he’s looking over my shoulder, at something. But usually there’s just a wall behind me. Are walls really that interesting? Even if you’ve never seen them before? Or could he be looking at something, or someone, else? The spiritual side of me thinks he’s seeing angels or spirits.  He also does these big grins, which we have kept referring to as “wind grins”, but from what I can tell, he’s not passing wind when he makes these grins. Trust me, you can hear when this kid is passing wind. Its like he’s popping popcorn in his pants! Then there are times he just looks downright spooked.

My healing is probably about 95% complete. There are still times when I get some pain in certain places, but for the most part I am mobile again and good to go. I think it will still be a few more weeks before I’m back on a tennis court though. I can’t wait for that day! Until then, its just Wii tennis for me! Word of warning to the pregnant though: I went into labour 2 hours after playing Wii tennis!

I have to say, I’m not surprised that women get PPD (post partum depression). There have been a couple of nights at 3 am that I just burst into tears because he won’t go back to sleep. I’ve woken Mike up on at least one occassion because I couldn’t handle it anymore. By that point, he had TWO people to try and console! And I have to say, as guilty as I feel about it, I hate breast feeding. I know “breast is best” for babies, and I’ll keep feeding him breast milk, but I try to pump/express it as much as possible and then feed it to him from the bottles. I think my milk has finally started to flow which will make pumping easier. I guess a lot of women feel a bond when breast feeding, but I just feel tired and sore. I’d much rather feed him from a bottle. I’m a little sick of all these people who like to tell you how you should feed/change/clothe/bathe your baby. And don’t get me started on the people with strong feelings against circumcision. Yes, we’re having him circumcised, and I don’t really care what you have to say about it. When you have a son, you can make the decision to NOT get him circumcised. But don’t whine to me when he has to get it done at 10 because of infections or whatever.

That’s enough of my parental soap box for now. The weekend is almost over and that means Mike has to go back to work. Its so much easier to look after a baby when there’s two of you. Next weekend he gets to go meet his other great grandma, who is about an hour away. I don’t think I’ve taken him anywhere more than 15 minutes away from home yet, so we’ll see how we go!

11 Days Later July 11, 2008

Our little boy is already 11 days old! I can’t believe it! I don’t feel like I’ve been getting much sleep, but then what new mum expects to? He’s slept a lot during the days, so when he wakes up at 3 am, its 5 am before he eventually goes back to sleep. We’re trying to keep him awake more during the day, but newborns mostly just want to eat and sleep. So keeping him awake is not easy. We’ll see how he goes tonight, as he was up most of the morning.

I’m wondering if he’s got reflux issues. He often spits back up after a feed and has a LOT of wind. The midwife at the hospital said ALL babies have a lot of wind because their stomachs are just learning to digest. I pumped about 100mls of milk this afternoon, and thought I’d try that for the middle of the night feeds. Maybe if its easier to get the milk, he’ll feed and go back to sleep quicker? I don’t know, but anything is worth a try at this point.

Mike goes back to work Monday. I wish he had more time off. He’s taking another week off in August, but I’m not sure I’m ready to do this all on my own all day yet. I REALLY don’t know how teenagers cope with this, or how single mums do it. I guess you do what you have to, but I’m so lucky to have such a great husband to help. He slept most of last night, so at 6 am this morning, after being awake since 4, I gave him his son, and he entertained him while I slept for a couple of hours. Won’t be able to do that next week.

It really is true that when its your kid, nothing matters. The nappies and puke aren’t as gross, and you don’t mind being peed on or thrown up on. He is more wonderful than I ever could have imagined. It is hard to believe that we made something, someone, so perfect. Looking at him makes me wonder how people go from being such innocent, sweet little souls, to being grown monsters.

He makes the funniest noises and faces. And his sneezes are the CUTEST thing I have ever seen. Its difficult to get them on video though.

I also finally understand how people end up co-sleeping with their babies. Since I haven’t been able to sit up, all the feeding has been done lying down in bed. So when he falls asleep, its much easier to let him stay there than it is to move him and have him wake up and start fussing again. That said, he’s been asleep in his crib for almost 2 hours now, after falling asleep in our bed after a feed.

I am still sore, but I’m convinced at this stage its the hematoma, not the swelling or stitches. For all I know the stitches are no longer there. The swelling has gone down about 90% I think. And sitting, walking, etc. are all MUCH easier, its when I stand still that the pain comes. Its like all the blood rushes to that one spot and puts pressure there.  I hope it goes away quickly, but I’ve read that they can take weeks or months to go away. Les hope that’s not the case, because in 3 weeks, I’m a bridesmaid in my bff’s wedding and will have to stand for 30 minutes!

He’s Here July 5, 2008

I’ve done it. I’ve done what many people would say women are here to do. I’ve given birth. “Naturally”. And if you don’t want to hear every disgusting, intimate detail, stop reading now.

Sunday night, Mike went to sleep around 10. Around 11:30 I woke him up and told him I thought I was having contractions. We started to time them, and they kept coming until 4 am, but they were all over the place – 10 minutes apart, 16 minutes apart, 8 minutes apart. We both believed it was false labour since the contractions were so sporadic. At about 4 am they became closer, and were consistently 5 minutes apart. I was getting more and more exhausted from having been up all night. I slept for 5 minutes, woke up in pain, slept for 5 minutes…at 6:30 Mike got ready to take me to the hospital.

We got there around 7 am, and they put us in a room where the contractions continued at about 5 or 6 minutes apart. The midwife didn’t think it was active labour, and didn’t examine me until 9 am, by which time I was 4 cm dialated. At 11 am I was 8 cm dialated and asked for an epidural. I guess it was about 11:30 that I finally got that, and it worked…on my left side only! I could still feel every contraction on the right side and I could still feel the pressure to push. After the epidural, they broke my water and discovered it was green, meaning he had pooped – a sign he could be in distress.

At 12:30 I started pushing. I thought “Almost there, you can do this” thinking it would only be another 20 minutes or so. An hour later I was still pushing, and all of a sudden I notice 4 extra people in the room (everything up to this point was handled by a midwife and a training midwife). Three of them were ob/gyns and the other was the pediatrician. I had 6 people and a bright flashlight all staring at my vijayjay.

The gyno that was doing most of the work, said that I was “engorged”…my whole vaginal and surrounding area were swollen beyond belief. To make matters worse, Nicklas was posterior – coming out face up instead of face down. They used the ventouse suction cap to try and turn him, but that didn’t work. At that point, the gyno said, “I’m going to have to do an episiotomy, if I don’t you’re going to tear.” This was the last straw and the tears started.  Once she’d done that, his head came out, and she told me to stop pushing. If any of you reading this have ever had an epidural and an episiotomy, you’ll know how ridiculous that request is. I wasn’t PURPOSEFULLY pushing and no matter what I did I couldn’t suck him back in. I don’t know that I had any control at all at that point. And out he came – along with a tear from the episiotomy. I think the only thing that stopped it from tearing me a new one, so to speak, is a hemorrhoid. How many opportunities do you think that dr has had to say “Saved by the hemorrhoid!”????

At that point, I was so traumatized the midwife had to remind me to look at my son. 15 hours after everything started, I had my baby son in my arms.

In the hospital, they gave me pain killers and ice packs and they helped, but without them, I’m still in quite a bit of pain. I have no clue how many stitches there are, but it took them 45 minutes to fix me up. I was also severely swollen and bruised, and while the swelling has gone down a BIT, the bruising is still there. Needless to say, it makes it very uncomfortable to sit.

To top it all off, I have a hematoma. The midwife the first night picked up on it, but the gyno the next morning said the midwife “Doesn’t know what she’s talking about.” Well, there’s apparently quite a sizely hematoma there now, and is most likely what is causing most of my discomfort. I’m so pissed! How does a midwife see it, and a gyno just dismiss it? The doctor on duty yesterday looked at it before I was discharged, and said they wouldn’t do anything about it (they could go in and insert a needle and drain it) unless it got bigger or more painful, but I should expect about 2 weeks before I’m feeling better.

Thankfully Mike has all of next week off work, so I have 10 days of round-the-clock help. Friday night was our first night home, and we tag-teamed it. I fed and he did nappies and burping. We probably got 5 or 6 hours sleep when all was said and done. When Mike was changing a poopy nappy, he got peed on. That lesson doesn’t take long to learn.

Last night Nicklas slept from 10 til 1:30, and then from about 2:30 until 7:30. It was nice to get that 5 hours oof sleep. We’ll see what he does tonight. He’s one cute baby, if I do biasedly say so myself. And while I DO want more kids, or at least 1 more, it will have to be an elective c-section or an adoption.